Ever feel like you always fall for people who can’t meet you emotionally? Learn why we’re drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, especially in queer relationships, and how to start healing attachment wounds.
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Ever feel like you always fall for people who can’t meet you emotionally? Learn why we’re drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, especially in queer relationships, and how to start healing attachment wounds.
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Yijia is a proud Queer Asian therapist, based in Tkaronto (colonially known as Toronto)
“I don’t get it. I know they’re not good for me. But I can’t stop thinking about them.”
A client—let’s call them A—once said this while twisting the tissue in their hands. It was our third session. They’d just ended a situationship with someone who ghosted after an intense two-week spark. “They told me they weren’t ready for anything serious,” A said. “But I thought maybe I could change their mind.”
Sound familiar?
Whether you’re queer, straight, trans, or questioning, many of us find ourselves caught in painful loops of longing—drawn to people who give us just enough to stay, but not enough to feel secure. It’s not that we don’t see the red flags. It’s that something inside us hopes they’ll stop waving.
So why do we keep falling for emotionally unavailable people?
Emotional unavailability doesn’t always look like coldness. Sometimes it shows up as:
In queer communities, especially, emotional unavailability can get tangled with trauma, shame, or fear. Many of us never learned what secure love looked like growing up—or worse, we were punished for desiring connection.
Sometimes we don’t even realize someone is unavailable until our needs show up. And by then, we’re already attached.
When we grow up with caregivers who were inconsistent, critical, or emotionally absent, our nervous systems adapt. We learn to chase love. To earn it. To feel safer in longing than in having.
Psychologically, this is called anxious attachment—but it’s more than a label. It’s a bodily memory of being wired for anticipation:
"If I’m good enough, quiet enough, loving enough… maybe they’ll choose me."
It makes sense that the chemistry feels so strong with emotionally unavailable people. They echo what love once felt like: unpredictable, high-stakes, elusive.
Ironically, healthy and available partners can feel… boring. Too safe. Like we can’t “feel” the pull.
For many queer folks, especially those who grew up in families or communities where queerness was taboo, longing becomes a survival strategy.
We learned to hide our desires. We idealized connection from a distance. We fell in love in secret. We waited for crumbs because we thought they were all we could have.
When you’ve spent years being told your love is wrong or too much, the idea of someone loving you as you are can feel impossible. We internalize the idea that we need to be chosen to be worthy.
But you were always worthy.
Healing doesn’t mean we’ll never feel attraction to unavailable people again. But it does mean we start noticing it sooner—and choosing differently.
It means:
And if you’re in therapy, it might mean grieving what you never got. Honoring that ache. Letting your younger self know they’re not chasing anymore.
If you’ve read this far, I want to say: there’s nothing shameful about wanting love. Or about having patterns you didn’t choose. Many high-achieving, thoughtful, emotionally deep people get stuck in these loops—not because they’re broken, but because they learned to equate love with pain.
Real love isn’t a performance. It’s not something you earn by becoming smaller, sexier, or more agreeable. It’s something that meets you in your full humanity.
As a queer therapist who specializes in trauma and relationships, I work with people who are done chasing love that hurts. Together, we’ll untangle the patterns, soothe the nervous system, and build the kind of intimacy that doesn’t leave you second-guessing yourself.
📞 Book a free 15-minute consultation
Or explore more about attachment trauma and therapy
Q: Is it my fault I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people?
A: No. But you can start choosing differently with support and healing.
Q: Can emotionally unavailable people change?
A: Yes—but only if they want to and are willing to do the work. It’s not your job to change them.
Q: What if I’m the emotionally unavailable one?
A: That’s okay. Self-awareness is the first step. You deserve support too.
