Understanding Financial Abuse Through Queer Lens
Money is more than just bills and bank accounts. It’s safety. It’s freedom. It’s having options. And when someone controls your money, they’re often trying to control your life. That’s what makes financial abuse so devastating — and so invisible. It doesn’t leave bruises. It shows up in locked bank accounts, stolen credit, career sabotage, or being forced to “ask permission” to spend on essentials. For queer and trans folks — especially those already navigating discrimination and economic instability — this kind of abuse can hit even harder. Let’s talk about what financial abuse looks like, how capitalism quietly reinforces it, why LGBTQ+ communities are especially vulnerable, and most importantly — how healing and freedom are possible.
When Love and Money Hurt
What is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse happens when a partner uses money as a tool to gain power and control. It’s more common than most people realize — present in up to 99% of abusive relationships.
It can look like:
- Forcing you to hand over your paycheck
- Blocking access to shared accounts
- Running up debts in your name
- Sabotaging your ability to work or study
- Controlling what you’re allowed to spend — even on food or medication
- Threatening to cut off financial support if you don’t “obey”
Sometimes, it’s subtle:
“I’ll handle the money, you’re not good with numbers.”
Sometimes, it’s blatant:
“If you leave, you’ll have nothing.”
What ties it all together is one message:
“You can’t survive without me.”
Capitalism Makes It Worse
In a world where money = survival, controlling someone’s money means controlling their options. Capitalism doesn’t cause abuse — but it does create the perfect conditions for it.
Think about it:
- Most of us need money just to feel safe — to pay rent, buy groceries, access healthcare.
- Many survivors stay in abusive situations because leaving means poverty, homelessness, or losing their kids.
- When social safety nets are weak — and housing, education, or therapy cost more than people can afford — escaping abuse becomes even harder.
Capitalism teaches us that our worth is tied to productivity, and that needing help is weakness. That silence and self-reliance are admirable. These values don’t just make healing harder — they make abuse easier to hide.
Why Queer and Trans People Are More Vulnerable
Queer and trans folks are strong and resilient — and yet, many of us are statistically more at risk for financial abuse and other forms of intimate partner violence.
Here’s why:
- Economic vulnerability: Trans people are nearly 4x more likely to live in extreme poverty. LGBTQ+ folks face higher unemployment and housing discrimination. An abuser can exploit that by saying, “No one else will hire you” or “You can’t make it without me.”
- Family rejection: Many queer and trans people don’t have financial safety nets. If an abuser threatens to “out” you to your family, it’s not just emotional — it could mean losing housing, tuition, or financial help.
- Systemic transphobia and homophobia: Some abusers threaten to tell your boss you’re trans. Some actually impersonate you and get you fired. Others control access to gender-affirming care or isolate you from your queer community.
- Barriers to support: Not all shelters, police, or courts are safe for queer and trans survivors. Fear of discrimination or not being believed keeps many from asking for help — especially when the abuse isn’t physical.
So if you’ve ever felt stuck, silenced, or afraid — it’s not your fault. The system wasn’t built with us in mind. And still, we survive.
What Healing Looks Like
Recovery from financial abuse is absolutely possible. But let’s be honest — it’s not just about opening a new bank account or downloading a budgeting app.
It’s about healing your nervous system. Rebuilding your self-worth. Unlearning shame. Reclaiming joy and choice.
Here are a few things that can support your journey:
1. Safety first.
If you’re still in the relationship, making a plan is key. This might include:
- Opening a private bank account (if safe to do so)
- Hiding small amounts of cash
- Collecting your ID, important documents, and medications in a safe place
- Talking to a therapist or advocate to create a safety plan that’s right for you
2. Emotional repair.
Financial abuse leaves invisible wounds — especially around trust, autonomy, and confidence. A trauma-informed therapist (like me!) can support you in:
- Releasing guilt and self-blame
- Processing grief and fear
- Reconnecting with your power
- Learning how to set and hold boundaries
- Exploring your relationship with money in a compassionate, non-judgmental space
3. Rebuilding from the ground up.
Whether that’s…
- Paying off debt your ex left you with
- Applying for affirming jobs
- Signing your first lease
- Saying “yes” to a coffee without guilt
…every step is worth celebrating.
Sometimes, healing starts with the smallest things — like finally buying yourself that new pair of shoes, or setting a budget that reflects your values (not your ex’s rules).
One survivor shared that her healing began with a washing machine. Her abuser used to withhold access to washmachine. After leaving, getting her own machine gave her back her time, dignity, and sense of control.
You Deserve to Feel Safe — Including With Money
Financial abuse thrives in silence and shame. But you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
If you’ve been financially controlled, manipulated, or sabotaged — I see you. Your experience is valid. Your needs are real. And you deserve care that honors your identity, your history, and your hopes.
As a queer trauma therapist, I support people navigating recovery from abuse — including the invisible kind. Together, we can tend to the parts of you that still feel stuck or afraid, and nurture the parts that long to trust again.
Money doesn’t have to be a weapon. It can become a tool of freedom, choice, and dignity. And your healing? That’s priceless.
