The Erotic Glue: When Desire Leads the Way

Situationships often begin with a connection, a chemistry. There's attraction, flirty banter, emotional intensity—but also a lack of mutual commitment or clarity. Many people enter these connections hoping that desire will blossom into something deeper. But more often, what develops is ambiguous attachment rather than secure love.

While lust can feel deeply intimate in the moment, the hormone cocktail behind it—primarily dopamine and testosterone—is wired for short-term reward. Sex releases dopamine, which activates the brain’s reward system and reinforces the desire to repeat the behavior. This can make you feel deeply "into" someone, even if they're inconsistent, unavailable, or non-reciprocal.

Perfect Passion vs. Perfect Love

Often we confuse perfect passion with perfect love. A perfect passion happens when we meet someone who appears to have everything we’ve longed for in a partner. I say “appears” because the intensity of our connection often blinds us—we see what we want to see.

In All About Love, bell hooks reflects on this illusion through the work of Thomas Moore, who writes that “the soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies.” Romantic illusion, while dangerous, also offers nourishment to our inner worlds. In this light, situationships can be a mirror to our longing—for intensity, for recognition, for transcendence.

But as hooks reminds us, perfect passion is not the same as perfect love. It is only a preliminary stage in the process—one that must eventually yield to honesty, mutual care, and the steady practice of love, or else collapse under its own weight.

Why Are We Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

There’s a paradox here: many of us long for safety, yet find ourselves drawn to people who can’t or won’t offer it.

From a neurological perspective, unpredictable behavior triggers heightened dopamine release—similar to a slot machine. This is called intermittent reinforcement, a well-documented concept in behavioral psychology. It explains why inconsistent affection can actually feel more addictive than reliable love.

Helen Fisher’s research supports this: our brains can become “addicted” to people who trigger intense highs and lows, especially during periods of sexual longing or rejection. The pain of waiting, the hope of being chosen, and the thrill of small moments of connection form a loop—one that looks more like addiction than healthy attachment.

The Split Between Sex, Lust, and Love

According to Fisher, the brain uses different systems for:

• Lust: Driven by testosterone, often impersonal and urgent.
• Romantic love: Fueled by dopamine and norepinephrine—intense, exciting, sometimes obsessive.
• Attachment: Associated with oxytocin and vasopressin—hormones released through emotional closeness and caregiving.

In situationships, lust often dominates the early stage. You may experience brief bursts of romance or bonding, but without consistent emotional reciprocity, oxytocin-based attachment rarely stabilizes. The result? Emotional whiplash—feeling high after a hookup, then empty when they go silent.

Not a Judgment—But an Invitation to Reflect

This is not to judge any form of connection. For some, situationships can offer exploration, eroticism, or companionship in transitional times. All forms of relating deserve respect and agency.

However, many people report experiencing heartbreak, doubting their self-worth, or feeling emotionally drained in these dynamics. The ambiguity can magnify old wounds: the fear of being too much, not enough, or easily replaced. When we consistently feel anxious or confused, it may not be chemistry—it may be a nervous system trying to make sense of inconsistency.

Power Struggles and Illusions of Mutuality

What makes situationships so painful isn't just what they lack—but what they tease.

There is often a subtle or overt power struggle: one person wants clarity or connection, the other resists. Some may offer just enough intimacy to keep the connection alive—a behavior often called breadcrumbing. Even when both parties claim to want “something casual,” unspoken hopes and fantasies take root.

These dynamics often reflect unconscious beliefs: that love must be earned, that vulnerability is dangerous, or that wanting more makes us unlovable. And yet, beneath these scripts is often a soul that longs to be deeply known and loved.

Situationships as Mirrors of Our Wounds

For many queer and BIPOC folks—especially those with trauma histories—situationships may replicate early experiences of emotional inconsistency or abandonment. The push-pull dynamic feels familiar, even if painful. It becomes a reenactment of childhood wounds: the longing to be seen, chosen, and loved for who we are.

Moving Toward Real Love

To shift out of this cycle, we must ask ourselves:

• What part of me confuses longing with love?
• What is the emotional cost of staying in ambiguity?
• What does real love feel like—not just in fantasy, but in my body and nervous system?

Love isn’t just something that happens—it’s something we build. With consistency. With honesty. With mutual choice.

And while situationships may awaken passion, true love requires something deeper: courage, safety, and care.

Final Thoughts

Situationships can feel intoxicating—like being suspended in a dream. But if you find yourself exhausted, anxious, or doubting your worth, it may be time to awaken.

You deserve more than emotional crumbs.
You deserve more than perfect passion.
You deserve love that doesn’t disappear the next morning.

Real love isn’t perfect. But it’s real.
And it’s worth the risk.

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