Welcoming the inner experiences

As a therapist, I often find myself in the role of listener, and rarely talk about my own life experiences. Today, I decided to take the risk of being vulnerable and share my experiences of recovering from complex trauma and adversity.

To give you a full picture, I need to take us back to 2023: It was the best year in my life objectively, yet the darkest time in my life in a felt sense.

I achieved something that I thought I’d never had a chance to: I officially became one of the youngest registered psychotherapists, and I did it in my second language. I broke up with my long term boyfriend, and started transitioning. I also started the immigration process and hence the longest suffering of dealing with IRCC. As a young adult, it was the biggest achievement I could ever think of (maybe except that two times that China’s official censored 9 of my accounts that had 200k+ followers…)

However, emotionally I felt like being hit by a train! I have never been feeling so depressed and anxious in my whole life. The hardest part was feeling of hopelessness, I didn’t know how I could get through a day. I had already built a friend group at that time, but still felt really lonely and bored. The gender dysphoria was horrible as well! It I was relying on escapism: hoping there could somehow be a time machine to fast forward the 5 years ahead of me until I feel better again.

Before that time hit, I have known that when you are out of your survival mode, you’d have more space to feel the impact of traumatic upbringings, but it was different to feel it. As if a bus ran through me.

When I was in the midst of my trauma, I discovered the dark side of the world for the first time. As I uncovered the narcissistic abuse and emotional neglect I experienced as a child, it opened my eyes to something I wasn’t ready to see. On the global level, I suddenly see systematic oppression and financial abuse so much more clearly as well. I couldn’t help but feel taken by the sense of despair.

Looking back, I could understand why I felt that way. It was too much in a short amount of time, it makes sense for anyone under that situation to feel the sense of despair and overwhelm. It was also the remark of trauma: the combination of emotions that is so shocking and overwhelming, our body and nervous system couldn’t digest it and have to compartementalize it.

Trauma took away my ability to be in the present moment. My nervous system would bring me back to that state of a helpless child, who were emotionally abandoned by their parents, bullied or ostracized by classmates.

As a result, my nervous system was constantly trying to grasp something to save me from that pain. I constantly ask questions like “ how long would it take for someone to recover from trauma?” “When would I feel better?” “If I am finally able to have my gender affirming surgery, will I feel better?” “If I find a partner, maybe I will FINALLY feel loved and cared for.”

I wasn’t aware at the time, the part of me that constantly looks out for saving is abandoning myself from the present moment. It was really painful to constantly re-living that moment, until I gathered enough support and courage to confront the pain: it was all in the past, although my feelings of shame, fear and anger were still real.

Looking back, I did a lot for myself to come to that moment. I already was consistently in therapy for years.

( I know some of you who are reading this may think “that’s because you’re a therapist! Of course you’d want to sell therapy. I just wanted to present that being in therapy is a form of support and resource for everyone. Like nature, friendship and furry creatures.

It was the most approachable resource for me at the moment. Having my own therapist meant having an experience of interpersonal safety, a taste of unconditioned love and some objective stance on my situation at the moment. Although the service of therapy couldn’t be placed by friendship or kinship, I would say some elements of support of a therapeutic relationship is comparable to friendship.

If you want to start therapy but finance is a struggle, you may find free or low cost therapy services in your local area or virtually.

I will write another article on this topic to share my personal experiences and views :)

I learned to gain reconnection with my inner experiences, and I vowed to never abandon him again. There’s one day I woke up, and I was able to appreciate my life for the first time. There’s one day, I find myself stopping from obsessing over “when will I feel better”. I only allow reciprocal relationships in my life, and felt better connection with my own body.

Being recovered doesn’t mean I am free from sadness, anger or fear. I still get triggered. However, I am finding myself taking much less time to come back to the present moment and tranquility.

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